


One and One and One is Me

by NSUVAfterDark (NoSleepUntilVacation)



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: All Just a Dream, Crack, Deliberate Badfic, I'm Going to Hell, M/M, Masochism, Mind Screw, Not Serious, Sadism, Selfcest, This Is STUPID, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Threesome - M/M/M, Voyeurism, Why Did I Write This?, Xeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-09
Updated: 2018-06-09
Packaged: 2019-05-20 01:29:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14885045
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoSleepUntilVacation/pseuds/NSUVAfterDark
Summary: Let it never be said that Mettaton doesn't love himself.





	One and One and One is Me

Neo tackled EX to the ground, a strange light shining in his unfinished eye as he felt EX's length sink into his entrance. The grin on his face nearly threatened to break free from the confines of his synthetic skin as he gazed at his other self.

"Come on! You can't spell sex without EX!"

EX, not one to be outdone in the grin department (or any department, for that matter), matched Neo's grin tooth-for-tooth. "Why don't I make you _work_ for it, darling?"

Less than three seconds later, EX was face-to-face with an arm cannon.

The smile on Neo's face was twitching in a completely bizarre way. "Oh, you're just asking to be punished, aren't you?"

"Well, maybe I _want_ to be punished! Ever think of that? Huh?" EX put his hands behind his head, quite proud of his comeback.

Neo lowered the arm cannon; going all Mega Man on EX's shiny metal ass could wait for another day, it seemed. "All right, then. I'll punish you by not punishing you!"

"Really, now?" EX sat up a little, as best as he could with his shaft buried in Neo's walls. "You're still punishing me, then. You even said it yourself! Either way, I win!"

The look on Neo's face was as if EX had just blown his limbs off, and not even in the fun way. EX, meanwhile, let a devious-as-usual laugh sound from his throat, quite prouder of his comeback.

Finally, Neo glared defeatedly. "You paradoxical son of a--"

"Watch it now, beautiful!" EX held up a finger (fortunately not that one). "Anything you say about me also applies to yourself!"

Neo growled. "All right, _darling._ Why don't you take off your boots so I can slap you with them?"

" ** _NEVER!_** " EX threw his head back to the overcast sky and laughed like a hyena-bot, relishing in his own defiance. His boots must have cost at least 5150 pieces of gold; as if he was just going to take them off solely because his heel of an alternate mode wanted to go toe-to-toe with him!

Suddenly, the soothing sound of an air horn cut through the nearly-empty stadium, causing two out of three of its occupants to look up into the stands. Rectangle floated down onto the ground, wearing a pink-and-black jacket that made him look like a hitman.

"Oh my god! Will you two just get it on already?! Our ratings have gone down thirty-seven percent since you started arguing!" Just to prove his point, Rectangle summoned a live graph (as opposed to a studio-recorded one).

Neo and EX gasped in unison. "Not the ratings!" The time to bang several gongs was nigh. For if the ratings depleted too much, life as they knew it would never be the same. A tragedy for the ages, if there ever was one.

Before that, Neo glared at EX. "You started it."

EX smirked. "Yes, I did. Punish me."

Neo fired some sparks from his cannon directly into EX's body, drawing a " _Yeah_ " of approval from the rockstar, and the two proceeded to wham-bam-thank-you-man right there on the ground. Rectangle clapped his hands and laughed out loud as the sounds of static filled the air, and two pairs of thighs competed to see whose were more killer.

Neo's eyes flickered like a lightbulb that was about to go out. "You like that, boy?!"

"Who? Me or him?"

"Both!"

Alas, EX could not answer, as pleasure was coming over him like frosting on cake. Rectangle, too, was rendered incapable of meaningful conversation by a strange force known only as "laughing hysterically".

Fortunately for Neo, not only did EX soon find himself able to answer the original question, but Neo himself was able to answer his own question in unison. With a shared cry of their famous catchphrase, they proceeded to give the ground its long-awaited gift of glittery pink ectoplasm.

Neo rolled off of EX as their equipment disappeared, and subsequently fired a huge pink ball of something from his arm cannon. The ball floated higher and higher, levitating itself in the air for a myriad of seconds, before exploding and causing everything in the nearby vicinity to turn that same shade of pink.

As Rectangle stood there and watched the glorious, rose-tinted spectacle unfold before him, his mind suddenly hit turmoil.

"What does it even mean when I watch myself make sweet, sweet lust to myself? Is this all a secret metaphor for the futility of overcoming my own vices? Is it a sign that I will soon come into everyone's homes? Or are all these fantasies merely sequelae of my lack of sexual gratification; the famous celebrity, ever on the hunt for a partner who lives up to every single one of his standards, yearning to feel that deep mental, emotional, and physical connection?"

Suddenly, a pink ghost floated in, as casual as if he were entering a grocery store. "Don't worry, beautiful. All you have to do is open your eyes, and the answer will come."

"What do you mean by--"

* * *

And then Mettaton opened his eyes, finding himself alone in bed. He looked around; everything was still pink, thanks to his taste in decor. Deep down, he pondered what it all meant, but after seven minutes, the answer finally came.

And the answer was as follows:

"I have no idea what just happened."

He lay back down, the sound of his soul casing being the only thing to break the silence.

**Author's Note:**

> This is how I get popular, right? Writing characters having sex with themselves? It seems to be a thing around these parts...


End file.
